Labyrinth

I like Labyrinth. Not because it is an Oscar-worthy film from 1986, but because it begs the obvious question, "What was Jim Henson smoking in 1986?" He was probably hanging with his buddies one night, passing 'round the happy pipe, having a conversation kind of like this:

JIM HENSON

Dude, I am Jim "fucking" Henson. I created the Muppets, Sesame Street, and Fraggle Rock--HELLO!! I am the real Master of Puppets. I can come up with any ca ca story and some Hollywood nutbag will make it into a movie.

STONER BUDDY #1

Duuuude, you should make a movie with Bowie.

JIM HENSON

Oh, God no. Ziggy Stardust? Really?

STONER BUDDY #2

Hehehe, and make him King of the Midgets. No wait, King of the Goblins!

STONER BUDDY #1

Yeah! King of the Goblins.

JIM HENSON

Hmm. That's an awful idea. I like it! Let's have Ziggy look like a strung out Jamie Lee Curtis in a leotard. And he can--he can---Oh! He can kidnap a baby and threaten to turn it into a goblin, while simultaneously hitting on the baby's teenage sister.

STONER BUDDY #1

You are a genius.

STONER BUDDY #2

What about a swamp that farts?

JIM HENSON

Oh my god, that's gold. Yes! What should we call it?

STONER BUDDY #2

Swamp Fart and the Goblin King!

JIM HENSON

Eh. Too literal. We need something more...puzzling...

STONER BUDDY #1

Labyrinth? It sounds like labia. Hehehe.

STONER BUDDY #2

Anything having to do with the female anatomy is puzzling to you.

JIM HENSON

Labyrinth! It's perfect! Now pass me the Cheetohs! Daddy got the munchies!

END SCENE

Do yourself a favor and rent Labyrinth from Netflix so you, too, can be amazed at how f'ed up cult classics are supposed to be made. Enough of this Napoleon Dynamite crap. The kids today need more farting swamps, grizzly goblins, and David Bowie in leotards. God bless you Jim Henson!

P.S. Labyrinth also stars a young Jennifer Connolly.
P.P.S. She calls her goblin friend, Hoggle, the wrong name at the beginning of the film. What does she call him, you ask? Hogwarts. Interesting...

COMING NEXT WEEK:
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Special guest blogger, H.T. Adjemian, will be filling in for me while I am away on vacation. He's kind of like P.T. Barnum, minus the stench of elephant dung. You'll dig his posts.